Aug 13, 2020

Jesus Paid It All

Jesus Paid It All

* * * W A R N I N G * * *

The majority of my posts on social media are intended to be  uplifting and give a spark of hope when needed.  Sometimes they are less inspirational and lean towards practicality and next steps on this journey of life.

Well this one will too, it's just on a different route because it came from a different perspective.  Perspective isn't bad, it's just different.  Our differences are what make us human.  Our humanity makes us imperfect.  Our imperfections make us influential.  We all have influence. Every single one of us have influence


There is a chapter in the book of my story where my influence  almost ended on March 9th, 2011.  Through knowledge and experience we develop our beliefs.  Our beliefs are the things we have come to accept as a personal understanding of their truth in existence.  No fear,  I'm not going to turn this into a rant on philosophy nor is it going to be a sales pitch for Jesus, although he makes an appearance or two.  What I hope this is, is an opportunity to share openly and honestly from the heart. A heart that believes that a single act of obedience rooted in faith and pointed to the name that holds hope, you may find fertile ground for connection, healing and growth that breaks down walls, softens hearts, and demolishes prideful strongholds.

Above all, I hope and pray that as you read this, that one word, one sentence, one paragraph, or just this one story will cause a stirring within you and begin to ask if a relationship is what you need.  Whether you’re a twice a week church goer or you don’t know a lot about Him, I’m confident that his character in this story will draw you in.

Yesterday I learned of the passing of a friend. 

He was young.     He was vibrant.      He was passionate.       He was dedicated.     He was loyal.      He was loving.     He was caring.     He had a Servant heart.     He was selfless.     He was a child of God.     He struggled with addiction.     He lost his battle with his addiction.    Today, He is dead.

I'm still writing the book that is my life, and some of the chapters have been pretty crazy.  Come to think of it, I shouldn't have made it past the chapter in 2011 when I tried to take my life,  but that's a story for another day. Pieces are still falling into place and becoming an amazing masterpiece and a testimony of a God who pursues with purpose and unconditional love.

The song, "Jesus Paid It All" has been on my heart and on repeat in my home since learning of my friends passing.  I would be humbled and honored if you would spend the next seven minutes listening to it with me.

Jesus Paid It All 

By Kim Walker Smith

Jesus Paid It All

I hear the savior say

Thy strength indeed is small

Child of weakness, watch and pray

Find in me thine all in all

Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe

Sin had left a crimson stain

He washed it white as snow

Lord, now indeed I find

Thy power and thine alone

Came and changed the lepers spots

And it melt the heart of stone

Jesus paid it all

All to him I owe

Sin had left a crimson stain

He washed it white as snow

He washed away

And when before the throne

I stand in him complete

Jesus died my soul to save

My lips shall still repeat

Jesus paid it all

All to him I owe

Sin had left a crimson stain

He washed it white as snow

Oh He washed

Yeah He washed it white as snow

Oh, praise the one who paid my debt

And raises life up from the dead

Oh, praise the one who paid my debt

And raises life up from the dead

Oh, praise the one who paid my debt

And raises life up from the dead

There are so many hurts to process when someone we care deeply about is here one day and gone the next.  We question if there was anything we could have done differently.   We beat ourselves up because in the heartbreak of the moment, we want answers now more than ever because an answer seems to be the only thing that offers comfort.  

On March 9th, 2011 I faced a moment of impossibility that led to an attempt to end my life. sI wanted nothing more than for the pain and overwhelming sadness to end, I wouldn’t have cared if I had a gun full of bullets or a needle full of my drug of choice.  Both had the same purpose… to stop the deep hurting.  I pulled the trigger, my friend overdosed and our pain stopped.

My actions to stop my pain only lasted temporarily. My friend is free from pain and suffering forever.  I share this and ask you to notice the similarities in or journey.  When I found myself wondering if I could have noticed something, or should I have been a better friend and asked harder questions; should I have held him more accountable; did I have within me any power or ability that would’ve guaranteed a different outcome? The hard answer to hear is, No.   I can communicate that with confidence because nothing could have stopped me from pulling the trigger on that day.

I say “on that day” because for me, things have changed.  Today, I have a relationship with Jesus and that changes everything.  

The hard truth that may bring more questions than answers is that my friend who died from an overdose knew Jesus.  He was a man of God that loved big.  He served his church and it was never hard to see the fruit of the Spirit in his daily walk.  He loved his Savior.  He loved his church family. He loved and he loved big.  So why did this happen?  How could this happen?  If he was a true believer and follower of Jesus Christ, how could this happen?  

Only my friend can answer his,”Why did this happen?”  Only he can speak to his, ”How did this happen?”  The human condition and how it affects each of us and our faith create many opportunities to question, wrestle with ideas and beliefs, grow and repeat.  Probably the most recognized disciple to struggle with his faith is Thomas, also known as Didymus.  Thomas  spent years traveling with Jesus witnessing miracles yet still doubted that his master had been raised from the dead.  (John 20:24-29)

Then there’s  Gideon and how He doubted that God could use him to defend against Israel’s oppressors, evn asking God to prove His reliability.  (Judges 6:36)

We can’t forget Sarah and Abraham, two of the most important figures in the old testament.  Both had followed God faithfully their entire lives, yet doubted when he promised a child well into the later years of their life. (Genesis 18:1-15)

In a moment of raw vulnerability, even as I write this, it’s easy to become overwhelmed with questions and emotions in the face of tragedy during uncertain times.  It’s in these moments that I need to be stabilized with mental, emotional, spiritual and relational assurance.  I haven’t always known where to look.

Today, I found a solid, stable place within the words of this song.  When I find myself struggling, these words resonate in their truth.  As I close my eyes and picture Jesus speaking in an understanding voice that He knows 

strength indeed is small, that in my weakness He says watch and pray, and to find in Him everything, because He paid it all.  

In a world that seems so tragic and harsh, where we want so badly for things around us to change for the better, I pray that the change begins in us with the ability to recognize the unseen pain and the courage to connect.

Walking with you.



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